?

Log in

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Alcoholic eggnog, friends and family, my husband and 2 children all surround me in the living room in the house we bought this year in inner city Kansas City, MO.

I'm drinking the first glass of alcohol I've had in over a year because I got pregnant with my second son when my first was 10 years old and I was still breastfeeding him. The rest of us have been drinking all evening, bouts of dancing and drunken twister gave way to drunken DnD.

Here, in addition to my husband and two sleeping children, is my sister in law (my husbands half sister) who I feel like might as well be my own sister, her adopted mother (their ex-stepmother, my husband and dear sister's biological father is a bit of a whore and it's a long story) who is currently djing for us with her ipod and speakers, and our two roommates. Thomas, a long time friend of my husband, Logan's for many many years, close to 10. A friend who we've seen a lot of and gone through a lot with. Around the time I met both of them, I decided to sleep with each of them without the other knowing about it. Needless to say, drama commenced. Clearly, we've moved passed it. Our other roommate is a girl who goes by Angel, because according to her, her given name "makes her rage". She feels as though she should have been born a boy and doesn't feel at home in her body at all, although she sometimes likes getting dolled up and girly as though she did. Only if someone else is willing to do her makeup and outfit though since she is completely inept in this area. We've sort of unintentionally collected her when she began visiting over with Thomas a lot after having issues in her relationship at the time, but she is welcome in the house nonetheless. My sister in law, Gwen and her "mother", Cat are often at our house so much so that they've been included in our household, our household that we've named Deviant's domicile.

I never expected my life would go this way, this wasn't what I'd planned, but I wouldn't change it. I've gotten to do so much and even though I sometimes feel like I haven't accomplished much I know that's not entirely true and I will do more as long as I keep on the way I am. I'd like to do the things I love more, namely photography and traveling, and I will. I'd like it if we did not total our car a year ago, or at least that we would have replaced it by now and could stop relying on others for transportation(public transit in the Midwest is really not a viable option for everyday errands and money making activities). I've been through too much to wish for any differences. All my experiences are intensely valuable to me. My husband and I have both been described as chaos incarnate and events in our lives often blow up in our face to what seems like constant setbacks sometimes. But I love my family. I love that we always push forward and work toward the things we want. I love that we're not old and working at jobs we hate. I love that we get to spend our days together.

3 years ago, I was drunk and dancing with a friend I had only recently met. 3 and a half years ago, I didn't really have friends. I didn't think I needed them. I had several long term relationships but friendships had always ended sour. I was in a 5 year long relationship that was exceedingly dysfunctional, even though we deeply and truly loved each other our relationship was essentially over even though it didn't officially end until 6 months later. I was on a downward spiral, in constant legal trouble and heading nowhere good. I was desperate and giving into that desperation. Desperate for what? I don't know to this day. I have many friends now that I met around that time period. Loyal people who I admire and love and bring value to my life as I hope I do for theirs. Theoretically before I had kids I should have had an easier time accomplishing my plans or ambitions, we had more money, I had more time. This isn't true though. I've managed to have better focus and get more done since my first was born. I've had a significant burst of energy and focus since my second was born and he's only a month old. Despite the fact that I should have less time, I've accomplished more (measurably), in the last month that I did in the 6 months prior.

Theoretically a lot of things are true. We often don't question those things. Even when evidence is glaring us in the face. Theoretically we shouldn't be able to support a household of 6 on odd jobs and our business start ups, theoretically we shouldn't have been able to get a home loan with our terrible credit and rental history and no down payment and no mortgage due for 45 days after we moved in and even then the mortgage is only $300 per month in an area going through quick revitalization with millions of city funds being pumped into it on improvements. We often deride people who do question those things and discount them as childish. It is my challenge to everyone, to myself to reach for what they want, what I want. Despite the current circumstances we may find ourselves in, there are choices, often difficult ones, but there are choices that we can make that will take us in the direction of where we'd rather be, if only we have the courage to take those steps, to make those choices. Do it. Just do it. Do it the best you can, all the time, be happy. Happy New Year, everyone.








Latest Month

May 2013
S M T W T F S
   1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031 
Powered by LiveJournal.com